Women's Resource Network Fall Retreat - GCTS...and other stuff.

God did AMAZING work this weekend! Only Jesus could do the healing that happened this weekend in me and my sisters! I think I am going to get a REAL journal to write...and I'll post here as I write. Even before that, I spent some time with two of my sisters in Christ on campus (one was visiting for the missions conference) and we had amazing experiences with God all throughout our time together. One of which was directly linked to the reason for this blog and the women I have been studying in the Bible. I have a feeling that something BIG is coming! I need to study and WRITE!! I feel like MYSELF for the first time in a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME!!

Sarcasm and deep pain...

Have you ever noticed that sometimes sarcasm comes from the places of our deepest pain? This is something I noticed after something I thought today. I am often sarcastic about blaming either Adam or Eve (as in Genesis), depending on how I'm feeling, for the monthly "gift" us ladies get to deal with until...the next gift we get to deal with? Translation: I blame at least one of them every month for the things I deal with when I get my period. So, today, I wrote a letter to Eve (only in my head, so does that even count as writing?). Basically I said something like: "Dear Eve, Is there a return policy on this monthly gift? I mean, really, I get to deal with the pain and all the physical symptoms, but here I am 30 and single and I have yet to even have a child?! You know how much I love children...so what the hell. SERIOUSLY NOT FAIR." Anyone who has known me for more than two seconds probably knows how much I LOVE children...always have. So, here I sit, single and without children of my own... What gives?! Then I read Isaiah 54:1/Galatians 4:27 ~ "'Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,' says the LORD." I am always REALLY grateful for the people who HAVE children that let me "borrow" them...that let me somehow be a part of their children's lives. That fills the hole somehow...except that I don't get to keep them! The relationships I have with these children is awesome...but I feel like it's just "different" than if that child was mine. I suppose in some way it might feel the same as adopting a child...but still even different from THAT. I suppose there's not even a "conclusion" to this entry...this is just the place of hurt that was hidden by sarcasm today and maybe some of you reading this understand...

Colossians 3:12-19 and wedding vows

I have been writing this thinking I knew what I was going to say and when I was going to say it...and what I was going to leave out. So far, that hasn't gone as planned...and neither will this next entry. It may tell more of my story, but not what I thought I was going to talk about... Colossians 3:12-19: 12 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14 Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. 18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. (See also Galatians 5:22 and Ephesians 5:22-25) Any time I hear the word "submit" in wedding vows, I cringe. Some reading this may know exactly why...maybe in detail, maybe not. However, as I witnessed two friends of mine exchange their rings and vows today, something clicked for me that never has this tangibly before. When a woman is pledging to "submit" to her husband, this man should be someone that she trusts enough to do so. Though he will mess up at times (we need to remember that he is NOT GOD), she should know that he is someone who fits the qualities laid out in these verses...and he should be someone who is constantly submitting himself and his life to Christ. Contrary to some of what I have seen and what I have often pictured when I hear the word "submit", the husband is not meant to be militant, or a dictator. He is not meant to be mean or abusive. His character should always reflect that of Christ, who is Love. Her life, too, should reflect the fruit of the Spirit, and a life that is also constantly submitted to Christ. In some ways, I feel like this reflects things I said in my last entry about who I'm looking for in a husband...I just didn't realize how well it fits submission and these verses until writing this out. I love a visual that one of my friends shared with me, that I hope she doesn't mind I've expanded on a little. I believe it was actually her now husband who originally shared the visual with her. Hopefully my explanation does it justice! Picture a man and woman walking, separately. They are both looking forward toward Christ. Eventually the man reaches out and takes the woman's hand and they walk together, both of them with their eyes on Christ. I wonder if a picture of the man and woman's hearts connected to Christ and then later also connected to each other's also works? Maybe that needs to be thought about some more... (This song "just happened" to be playing on Pandora right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NoIJglsGms)

Part of my story...

It's amazing how hard it's been to figure out where to go with this next. Not because I don't have anything to say or because I don't know what to say...but because there's so MUCH to say! What can I say that won't be saying too much...or too little? What can I say that won't make it sound like I'm PROUD of a ton of what I'll share. If you can't handle AUTHENTIC me, you should stop reading now. No, seriously... If you can handle me no matter what, feel free to keep reading. I am going to try hard not to let myself "edit" or filter...I will be as authentic as possible. My hope is that some reading this may save themselves from getting hurt...and that others might heal if they already have been hurt. This first part, I'm proud of. I was telling someone the other day that I want to know Jesus more because of knowing my husband (no, you did not miss a wedding...I'm talking future, if God has a husband in His plan for me). Though we are human, my prayer is that who we are and how we treat each other will be a reflection of who God is and of His attributes (Love, patience, kindness...well, read 1 Corinthians 13!). Matt Himsey, if you read this, "House of Memories" came on Pandora and it's playing as I type! Totally goes along with this entry, so I'll explain for everyone else why I had to mention that. I told Matt once in undergrad that when I heard this song, it made me think of what my hope is for marriage. I COULD see it the way it was written, a dad talking about his daughter...and sometimes I hear it that way, but many times when I hear it, I hear a husband talking to his wife on their wedding day...and God is the Daddy. The future husband in this version is talking about what their marriage will look like. "You're my hero "Little Girl" You always save the day with your smile You know I'm in love With the one behind those pretty eyes Chorus: I will build for all time a house of memories just for you and I. There you'll find rooms inside. Filled with laughter, joy and your Daddy's pride. Around the table and down the hall. We'll chase each other till the laughter makes us fall. In the evening we'll lay our heads down and thank God for these memories. You're my angel, sending messages of love. You're my future, a part of me that carries on." Nice picture isn't it? Lots of laughter and joy and a Christ-centered relationship! I know what to look for. The people I fall for, and honestly who are still some of my best friends and favorite people, truly know Jesus and are a reflection of Him to me. The people I date? Totally different story. Some might serve in church or in ministry, but their lives didn't (I won't say "don't"...my prayer is that they do now) reflect someone who is following the God they claim to serve. The god they serve is made in their own image and condones the sin in their life. Some of the guys I've "dated" haven't know Him at all, I'm sure. And who am I to talk really...? Once you know more about me, you might question whether or not I know Him. But I pray that more than that, you will see the grace of a merciful, loving and forgiving Father. Do you see a disconnect between the people I date and my best guy friends? Me too. And yet, the guys who are my best friends never turn into guys I date. One or both of us hasn't been interested. I could let feelings about that fester and over-analyze it...and I have. Fact is, no matter who hasn't been interested or why...maybe it hasn't been in God's plan or it just isn't the right time. Or, they see me the way the world does...as "the girl in the wheelchair" and automatically put me in a box. Only they really know...and maybe only GOD really knows. That's not to say the people I've dated have been in God's plan either. One way or another, I've always convinced myself either that the person I'm with is "it" or that a fling with the person I meet will turn into something substantial and lasting. Let's face it, though, have I been what someone should be looking for? Not even close. Especially this semester. I have a lot of holes I've been trying to fill...and instead of filling them with Christ, I've been TRYING to fill them with guys. Unfortunately, that just creates more holes rather than filling the ones that are already there. In the last 2 years, I have lost at least 3 friends and both my grandmothers. (I still think there's at least one person I'm missing in there, but it's possible that I'm counting a family cat in there...THAT is significant for other reasons.) And the new year started with a breakup. It was a relationship that lasted about 5 months and I convinced myself that he was "it". He was (is?) a leader in his church. Some of our relationship reflected specific things I am looking for, and that's what I focused on. He was great most of the time about my chair/"disability". He's the last guy I dated "seriously". I do the whole "online" dating thing because I feel like it helps someone get to know me first without knowing about my chair. Then they are already interested, if they are, so hopefully my chair won't matter so much. Someone who meets me in person knows about my chair right away, and seems to automatically put me in a box...a box of the people they wouldn't date. Either I'm the good friend (who people talk to about other girls) or I'm like a sister. So, I settle for less than what I see in them. There were more "good" things on my list when it comes to the last guy I "seriously" dated, but it's harder to remember those now...and much easier to remember the reasons the relationship ended. Those "good" things are great, but there were red flags ALL over the place that I should have allowed myself to see...or that I DID allow myself to see and they should have been why the relationship ended. This actually isn't a new pattern either. I realize that he actually was a lot like my first boyfriend. I'm sure that will be talked about somewhere. Maybe in the next entry. At first, this past relationship made me throw out the whole "making a list" thing...but then I realized that my list just needed to CHANGE based on what I learned from that relationship. Every relationship that ends should teach us more about ourselves and about who we are really looking for. That person should be someone who brings us closer to Christ...not away from Him. He should be someone who makes us feel good about ourselves and about our relationship, not insecure. (If you are a guy reading this, just change "he" to "she"! This IS for you, too!) We should be doing the same for the person we're with. And this entry is only about people I've "dated". I hate to say, it gets worse. This is enough for one entry, but that's what's coming...

Why start this blog?

Where to even begin with this blog? I guess the place to start is to explain what made me start it. I thought about writing this after The Love Dare came out (http://thelovedarebook.com/). Yes, it's taken me this long to listen and actually do it! Better late than never? Hopefully! It's great that there's something like this to help marriages, but what about encouraging Christian singles? Have you ever heard a sermon series on singleness? Or even a sermon or two about dealing with singleness in a series on marriage? Rather than complaining endlessly that there's nothing "out there" to encourage Christian singles (and even singles who are looking for encouragement and don't know Christ yet), maybe I need to be the one to study His Word and write it! Maybe in my writing, I will not only encourage others, but myself! It is my hope and prayer that this will encourage especially those of you who are single to grow deeper in your walk with Jesus Christ. May you and I come to truly know Him as our First Love. Next up will be a blog on my own personal journey before jumping into other things...