Part of my story...

It's amazing how hard it's been to figure out where to go with this next. Not because I don't have anything to say or because I don't know what to say...but because there's so MUCH to say! What can I say that won't be saying too much...or too little? What can I say that won't make it sound like I'm PROUD of a ton of what I'll share. If you can't handle AUTHENTIC me, you should stop reading now. No, seriously... If you can handle me no matter what, feel free to keep reading. I am going to try hard not to let myself "edit" or filter...I will be as authentic as possible. My hope is that some reading this may save themselves from getting hurt...and that others might heal if they already have been hurt. This first part, I'm proud of. I was telling someone the other day that I want to know Jesus more because of knowing my husband (no, you did not miss a wedding...I'm talking future, if God has a husband in His plan for me). Though we are human, my prayer is that who we are and how we treat each other will be a reflection of who God is and of His attributes (Love, patience, kindness...well, read 1 Corinthians 13!). Matt Himsey, if you read this, "House of Memories" came on Pandora and it's playing as I type! Totally goes along with this entry, so I'll explain for everyone else why I had to mention that. I told Matt once in undergrad that when I heard this song, it made me think of what my hope is for marriage. I COULD see it the way it was written, a dad talking about his daughter...and sometimes I hear it that way, but many times when I hear it, I hear a husband talking to his wife on their wedding day...and God is the Daddy. The future husband in this version is talking about what their marriage will look like. "You're my hero "Little Girl" You always save the day with your smile You know I'm in love With the one behind those pretty eyes Chorus: I will build for all time a house of memories just for you and I. There you'll find rooms inside. Filled with laughter, joy and your Daddy's pride. Around the table and down the hall. We'll chase each other till the laughter makes us fall. In the evening we'll lay our heads down and thank God for these memories. You're my angel, sending messages of love. You're my future, a part of me that carries on." Nice picture isn't it? Lots of laughter and joy and a Christ-centered relationship! I know what to look for. The people I fall for, and honestly who are still some of my best friends and favorite people, truly know Jesus and are a reflection of Him to me. The people I date? Totally different story. Some might serve in church or in ministry, but their lives didn't (I won't say "don't"...my prayer is that they do now) reflect someone who is following the God they claim to serve. The god they serve is made in their own image and condones the sin in their life. Some of the guys I've "dated" haven't know Him at all, I'm sure. And who am I to talk really...? Once you know more about me, you might question whether or not I know Him. But I pray that more than that, you will see the grace of a merciful, loving and forgiving Father. Do you see a disconnect between the people I date and my best guy friends? Me too. And yet, the guys who are my best friends never turn into guys I date. One or both of us hasn't been interested. I could let feelings about that fester and over-analyze it...and I have. Fact is, no matter who hasn't been interested or why...maybe it hasn't been in God's plan or it just isn't the right time. Or, they see me the way the world does...as "the girl in the wheelchair" and automatically put me in a box. Only they really know...and maybe only GOD really knows. That's not to say the people I've dated have been in God's plan either. One way or another, I've always convinced myself either that the person I'm with is "it" or that a fling with the person I meet will turn into something substantial and lasting. Let's face it, though, have I been what someone should be looking for? Not even close. Especially this semester. I have a lot of holes I've been trying to fill...and instead of filling them with Christ, I've been TRYING to fill them with guys. Unfortunately, that just creates more holes rather than filling the ones that are already there. In the last 2 years, I have lost at least 3 friends and both my grandmothers. (I still think there's at least one person I'm missing in there, but it's possible that I'm counting a family cat in there...THAT is significant for other reasons.) And the new year started with a breakup. It was a relationship that lasted about 5 months and I convinced myself that he was "it". He was (is?) a leader in his church. Some of our relationship reflected specific things I am looking for, and that's what I focused on. He was great most of the time about my chair/"disability". He's the last guy I dated "seriously". I do the whole "online" dating thing because I feel like it helps someone get to know me first without knowing about my chair. Then they are already interested, if they are, so hopefully my chair won't matter so much. Someone who meets me in person knows about my chair right away, and seems to automatically put me in a box...a box of the people they wouldn't date. Either I'm the good friend (who people talk to about other girls) or I'm like a sister. So, I settle for less than what I see in them. There were more "good" things on my list when it comes to the last guy I "seriously" dated, but it's harder to remember those now...and much easier to remember the reasons the relationship ended. Those "good" things are great, but there were red flags ALL over the place that I should have allowed myself to see...or that I DID allow myself to see and they should have been why the relationship ended. This actually isn't a new pattern either. I realize that he actually was a lot like my first boyfriend. I'm sure that will be talked about somewhere. Maybe in the next entry. At first, this past relationship made me throw out the whole "making a list" thing...but then I realized that my list just needed to CHANGE based on what I learned from that relationship. Every relationship that ends should teach us more about ourselves and about who we are really looking for. That person should be someone who brings us closer to Christ...not away from Him. He should be someone who makes us feel good about ourselves and about our relationship, not insecure. (If you are a guy reading this, just change "he" to "she"! This IS for you, too!) We should be doing the same for the person we're with. And this entry is only about people I've "dated". I hate to say, it gets worse. This is enough for one entry, but that's what's coming...